On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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