Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Randomize
