I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
