glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
