I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
