I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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