she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
