I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
