This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
