My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
nutella sex= disaster
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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