so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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