I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
These tits shall not be calmed
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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