Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
