I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
