i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
