I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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