I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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