Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
