Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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