my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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