I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
