True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
