I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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