Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
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