she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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