im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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