btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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