I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I will pee on everything he values.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
