Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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