Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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