oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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