my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
