i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
