R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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