Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she looked like the before picture.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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