The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
