Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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