i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
