yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
