I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
