my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
