Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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