She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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