Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
