nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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