Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
