Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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