i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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