I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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