I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
