I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
worst night to have a conscience
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
